Archive for March, 2008

Breaking news! Rubinho is blind!

March 18, 2008

“Barrichello: ‘I never saw a red light!'”

Rubens Barrichello has, apparently, lost his sight due to old age. He somehow missed a big red light at the end of the pitlane. And now he tries to blame it on the FIA.

This, therefore, leaves us with two options.

Either Rubens is colorblind and unable to see red lights…

He’s a robot, programmed to drive a car by Microsoft…

Or he can’t see altogether.

The second option, naturally, makes more sense. It could explain his lack of points from last season(Barrichello: 0 Button: 6). And of course, it could explain why Michael Schumacher was always quicker than him–it’s hard to memorize braking points when you can’t see them.

He could, of course, be a robot. His Windows Me software would explain why he seems to completely zone out and go nowhere around the halfway point of a race–he just locked up. It’d explain why he just keeps persisting forever…he’s convinced that he can still win races, in a Honda no less, and that he has some future in F1.

However, the theory of Barrichello being completely colorblind also explains it. It would explain why he doesn’t seem to completely hate the Honda livery this year.

Any of these theories explains the problem. However, none suggest a solution. May I offer one: There’s a decent driver out there, currently contracted to Ferrari but not racing, and his old mate Ross Brawn works for Honda. I don’t think I actually need to list his name here.

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Ferrari tries “new nose”; radical, eh?

March 18, 2008

Ferrari has reportedly tried a new nose cone on their F2008 and will introduce it at the Bahrain Grand Prix in a few weeks. According to F1-Live, it has a hole in it above the front upper wing, passing through the nose. This raises the question: is a nose cone considered “radical”? In the F1 world at the moment, any change at all is “radical”…a hole through the nose cone? Gee, that’s sorta like what they’ve got down below, on the main wing: above the wing, two side supports and a hole in the middle. If you add a smaller wing up above, wouldn’t the same theory that works on the bottom wing work on the top one?

Formula 1: Where, when two alike theories are found to be the same, it’s considered radical. Yeeeeeehaaaaaaaa!

Nelson Piquet Jr’s death imminent?

March 18, 2008

Insiders at the FIA say that Nelson Piquet Jr. may die at the Monaco Grand Prix in May. “He may just fly off the track, due to his lack of talent, and end up in the harbor” said an official who asked not to be named. “And once he’s in the water, his enormous head(reportedly as big as a NASCAR car) will make it nearly impossible to rescue him. We’ll need some sort of helicopter, perhaps a Sikorsky Skycrane, to lift such a large, heavy object.”

Piquet, known as Mr. Ego to most of the F1 paddock, disagreed.

“I’m the best driver in F1! I cannot make mistakes, especially at Monaco! I will put my Renault on pole and win the race, just like I did at Australia! And contrary to what people say, I’m not egotistical–I’m really the best driver ever!”

Reports that Piquet may be insane could not be confirmed at press time.

Would you like some Toro Rosso with your Seabass?

March 18, 2008

Toro Rosso, as announced by Dietrich Mateschitz(one of the more amusing surnames to pronounce in English), is for sale. According to our buddy Dietrich, Toro Rosso is taking too much of his attention to run, and as of the new Concorde Agreement in 2010, “customer cars” will not be allowed. This raised several thoughts in my head:

First, hasn’t Dietrich stated several times that Toro Rosso avoids the Concorde Agreement, as does Red Bull, by having their cars designed and built by a parent company of both?

Second, given that Prodrive was scheduled to begin racing this year, doesn’t this leave a loophole(until 2010) for Prodrive to race? That makes either David Richards or Mateschitz a liar.

Third, Toro Rosso is partially owned by Gerhard Berger. Why hasn’t HE said anything about all this? He’s actually the day-to-day ruler/Imperious Leader of Toro Rosso. He should be the one to make an announcement, not the guy who started the team and pretty much leaves it to do whatever it wants.

This opens the door for several opportunities:

The return of Minardi to F1.

A possible entry for Prodrive, if David Richards wants it.

Or, of course, Red Bull might just continue on as though nothing has happened and continue with what they’re doing now.

But again, why would Dietrich Mateschitz, one of the richest men in the world, sell a team with two young promising drivers that doesn’t cost much relative to running a single team?

My theory:

First, Dietrich may have realized that(duh), if Red Bull ever becomes race-winning material, Toro Rosso will have to lose out. Only one team can win a race at a time. But if Toro Rosso, at their current rate(STR: 2 points, Red Bull: 0 points), has better drivers and potentially better cars, as they’ll only get the STR3(Red Bull RB4) when all the bugs are worked out of it. This could leave Red Bull, the supposed “lead team”, as a complete failure. Selling Toro Rosso removes the potential embarassment, and leaves Dietrich with less of a future worry. Strike one! This could also be requested by Renault, as all it could prove is that the Renault engine can’t keep up with the Ferrari in identical chassis. Strike two! And of course, it removes any chance of Vettel and Bourdais beating their older, more experienced “teammates” in equal cars, and therefore making Red Bull a laughingstock for hiring older drivers on the theory that they, having more experience, will be more consistently quick. Strike three!

Of course, Toro Rosso could always be bought by another team, say Ferrari. I hear they want Vettel as a driver in the near future due to the imminent self-destruction of Felipe Massa.