Author Archive

Massa announces loss of mind

January 15, 2012

Felipe Massa’s at it again.  Ferrari’s clear Number Two just turns out to be full of Number Two, as evidenced here thanks to ESPN.

I for one approve of this: it means that Massa will continue at Ferrari in the grand Rubens Barrichello tradition before signing for a midpack team, such as the future Caterham.  At least, until they realize that, when they need drivers that can actually win races to acquire sponsorship cash, Massa, while previously fast, isn’t who he was before his 2009 Hungarian accident.  And in the process, he can make statements as Rubinho has, stating his frustration towards his team and their inability to provide a car that, like the 1997 Williams (driven by Villeneuve), a monkey can win races in.

To close, with a quote from Galaxy Quest:

“Never give up.  Never surrender.”

Younger drivers goes to the absolute extreme

July 24, 2009

In an effort to find ever younger drivers, Formula One teams have finally reached the youngest possible candidates: fetuses.
“Well, Jaime Alguersuari is making his debut at 19, so obviously the younger ages can cope with driving F1 cars,” said an anonymous team principal.  “Therefore, we need to hire talent as early as possible, which involves hiring unborn babies.  We have a complex process to isolate those babies with the greatest winning potential, which includes DNA scans, ultrasounds, and random choices based upon location.”

This raises an important question, though, which those at CTTR asked the mysterious principal: will this inspire breeding specifically to create a genetically engineered F1 driver?
“Well, though we haven’t yet accomplished that, it is in the future,” he said.  “As soon as we develop the technology, we will indeed create F1 drivers from birth.  This will allow us to control every aspect of the driver to result in the driver being an exact personality match with the team.  Though if that happens, I hear McLaren is already looking into android technology…”

Silverstone Qualifying Liveblog

June 20, 2009

Welcome to Silverstone, home of perhaps the final official British Grand Prix to be held at the first ever Grand Prix track.

Red Bull was quick in practice, but destroyed their tires–can Jenson Button live the dream and take pole?

The twenty minute Q1 session has begun.

Sorry–stream just skipped, we’ve got 17 minutes to go in Q1.

Following Fisichella, the official CTTR Deadbeat Teammate multiple time winner.

And he goes first–only since he set the first flying lap.

Kimi goes P4 behind Sutil, Bourdais, Fisi.

And goes to P8 instantly.

14:50 to go, it’s Bourdais, Sutil, Glock, Heidfeld, Fisi, Kubica, Trulli, Buemi, Raikkonen.

Force India has been mega-quick–could they get a point in the race?

Trulli goes P1, Button to P2, Glock to P3, Massa to P4.

Bourdais is in P5 at the moment.

Kovalainen desperate and getting seriously sideways on his first flier.

Raikkonen sets fastest time for sector 2.

11:30 to go.

Trulli goes to P1.

Vettel is out.

10:00 to go, Trulli/Webber/Rosberg/Vettel/Barrichello/Nakajima/Alonso/Glock/Button/Hamilton.

Webber to P1! Just over a tenth quicker than Trulli who is in second.

Vettel to first.

Alonso to P4.

Kubica to P14–BMW’s slow everywhere.

Heidfeld to P13.

Bourdais to P10.  Nice!

Kovalainen in 20th, setting personal best sectors but it still isn’t enough.

6:35 to go.

Hamilton is in only 13th–behind even Sutil and Bourdais.

Heidfeld goes off-roading and manages to return to the circuit.

Massa is in 18th, Raikkonen 16th.  Horrible weekend for Ferrari.

With 4:00 to go, it’s Webber/Vettel/Trulli/Alonso.

Drop zone is Raikkonen, Heidfeld, Massa, Buemi, Kovalainen–some very big names indeed.

Raikkonen to SIXTH.

Kovalainen crosses the line again–17th.  Yikes.

Massa to ninth.

Everybody’s attention is on Heikki–he’s actually inside the top 15 so far on this lap.

And he goes to P14.  We’ll have to see if he stays there.

Sutil is in 16th, Fisichella in 14th.  So much for Force India being quick.

Hamilton crosses the line…one lap to go.

Sutil has DESTROYED the car with 0:45 to go.

Red flag for the session–no time for more laps, so Q1 is OVER.

Replay of Sutil’s crash–brakes or something broke and sent the car into the tyre wall at serious speed.

Knocked out in Q1:

16th Fisichella, 17th Bourdais, 18th Sutil, 19th Hamilton, 20th Buemi.

Hamilton describes the car as “dead slow.”  Refreshing to hear a driver/team admit that he’s in the worst car on the grid.

Buemi goes out for a last test lap with 0:14 to go–won’t get a flier.

Stig gets airtime.

Video of Kovalainen’s lap–sideways everywhere, fighting the car like crazy.

And Q2 begins.

15 minute session as usual.

Vettel out first.

…And my stream dies.  Sorry!

Monaco Quali Liveblog

May 23, 2009

Well, considering that I managed to find a decent stream right as Hamilton smashed the car in Q1, here goes….qualifying from the most fantastic track on the calendar.

Current last five:  Buemi, Kubica, Fisichella, Bourdais, and Heidfeld.

BMW’s been slow all weekend.  Kubica cannot be happy.

Riding with the BBC as the quali session resumes after a red flag for Hamilton.

Massa first out–he nearly spun the car on his first outlap and destroyed the nose.  Ferrari replaced it, gave him some mind management in the pits(!) and sent him back out.

Kimi completes his next flier, but he’s 1.6 seconds off the pace.

Massa on a decent flier after two warmup laps.  Half a second off in the second sector.

Only to 9th.

Kimi puts in a much better lap which moves him to SECOND.  Massa is as usual getting murdered in Monaco quali.

Vettel to P4.  Top ten:  Barrichello, Raikkonen, Button, Vettel, Nakajima, Sutil, Hamilton, Kovalainen, Rosberg.

Massa to P4.

2:00 to go.

Kubica starting a flier.

Button goes half a second quicker than anybody–giant shot of Richard Branson’s beard.  My viewing is enhanced.  NOT!

Kubica goes P13.  Will it be enough?

Webber to 5th.  Piquet to 10th.  Hamilton 13th now.

Alonso to P8.

Vettel abandons his second to last lap due to a…yellow flag?

Heidfeld is 18th and basically screwed.

Checkered flag!

Massa to P2.

Kubica to P17, toast.

Rosberg QUICKEST?  Impossible.

Buemi in the end was EIGHTH.  Fantastic performance by the rookie.

Both Force Indias through to Q2!

Heidfeld, Kubica, Trulli, Bourdais, Glock, the final five.  Toyota’s toast.  Simply toast; even behind BMW.

Replay of Glock going in circles in the Swimming Pool chicane.

Time for a five minute break before Q2.

Eddie Jordan:  “Toyota is slow in slow speed corners.”  Captain Obvious to the rescue!

Q2 begins.  Fifteen minute session.

Nakajima is out first.

Raikkonen to P1 – 1:15.332.

Webber 0.020 off in the first sector.

Vettel to P1. 1:15.217.

Nakajima to P4.  Webber to P7.

Rosberg to….P1!  1:14.846.  Four tenths up.

Vettel does a 1:14.926.

Barrichello first–Webber first….Massa only to P5.

Kovalainen to P1!

Quicker times almost every lap.

Piquet spins into the final corner and BARELY doesn’t whack off the wall.

Alonso to P8.  Quickest in the final practice but can’t get it done so far in Q2.

6:15 to go.

Fisichella gets DQ’d for cutting the swimming pool chicane.

Final five:  Piquet, Buemi, Sutil, Bourdais, Fisichella.  Eh?  Apparently Bourdais didn’t get kicked out in Q1 like I was shown.

Updated Q1 dropout:  Hamilton, Kubica, Heidfeld, Trulli, Glock.

Fisichella on track–apparently with two of his times from Q1 gone he still was quick enough to participate in Q2.

Still only to P15.

Button is slow apparently–no idea why.

Sutil looking good–goes to P13.  Can he make it to Q3 on a last ditch flier?

Massa begins his final lap.

Buemi to P11–one more lap.

Raikkonen to P1 by 3 tenths.

Barrichello to P4.

Button is seriously slow–what’s wrong?

Alonso to P9–Button is only EIGHTH?  Three seconds off in the second sector.

11th through 15th:  Buemi, Piquet, Fisichella, Bourdais, Sutil.

Nakajima makes it to Q3 for the first time in 2009.

Five minute break before the ten minute shootout!

Massive interview with Hamilton.

Apologizing to the team–he looks about as dejected as is humanly possible.  Forces a smile.

Q3 in a moment after a completely pointless interview with Eddie Jordan.

And Q3 has begun.

Vettel out first.  BBC suspects Kimi will be on pole.

Kovalainen looking good.

Only Webber and Nakajima are still in the pits.

Vettel does a 1:16.206.

Button to P2-1:16.3.

Barrichello to P4 behind Raikkonen.

Button a tenth quicker in the first sector of his second lap.

Rosberg to P1 by 0.604!  Light fuel surely.

Button 0.052 down in sector 2 relative to Rosberg.

Vettel to P1!

Button to P3.  “Not enough”

Barrichello to P2 by only 0.075.

Kovalainen to P6.  Not too bad compared to Barcelona.

Webber finally out while Vettel comes in for tyres before a final run.

Rosberg in too.

4:00 to go.

Nakajima is “ninth but out of the top ten.”  Martin Brundle emulating Murray Walker?

Kimi is relatively slow–only to P7.  Webber to 9th but apparently on a better lap now.

Kimi 0.3 off after S2.  He goes to P2!  Not too bad, 0.027 off.

Rosberg out for a final “do or die” lap with a minute to go.

Vettel, Raikkonen, Rosberg, Barrichello, Button, Webber, Massa, Kovalainen, Alonso, Nakajima.

Massa to 3rd.  Alonso to P9 still.

Raikkonen is 0.1 quicker.  Button is 0.28 quicker in S1!

Kimi goes P1, 1:14.9.

Button to P1 with a 1:14.9!

Barrichello to P3 only.

Vettel coming around….P4.  Kovalainen to 7th.

Massa parks it.

Alonso to P9.  Webber to P8.

Another Button pole.  MSC, v2.0.

That lap was FANTASTICALLY quick from Jense–brilliant.  Nick Fry claps Richard Branson on the back.

Button, Raikkonen, Barrichello, Vettel, Massa, Rosberg, Kovalainen, Webber, Alonso, Nakajima are the top ten.

Kimi in the top three–the press conferences are starting to cry already.

This has been Monaco qualifying with CTTR–goodbye and we will see you for the race!

Post 101

March 28, 2009

Liveblog postponed until further notice due to lack of sleep on the part of the blogger.

Australian Grand Prix Qualifying Liveblog

March 27, 2009

Greetings!  In about 45 minutes’ time, I’m going to start liveblogging the FIRST qualifying session of the 2009 Formula One season.  This is also CTTR’s ONE HUNDREDTH post–I’ll make it good!

A few points from the practice sessions:

  • Lewis is nowhere; Heikki, with the experience from Renault in 2007, is doing rather well in a dog of a car.
  • Red Bull: Webber’s quick; Vettel’s quicker but goes off track rather frequently.
  • Ferrari.  Not many laps in FP3, but Kimi can always be counted on for some excitement.
  • Force India may be looking at a point this weekend–kudos to them for turning out a great car on a miniscule budget.
  • Brawn, Toyota, Williams are all mega-quick.
  • Renault are in for a serious keister kicking.
  • Toro Rosso is nowhere.  Not even a whisper of potential results.
  • And finally……
  • Rosberg has topped all three practices but will lose.  Why?  Because I say so.

I will see you in forty minutes for the race!

Alrighty–it’s three minutes til the start of the session.

Hamilton’s getting in–BBC guys don’t think he’s going to do very well.  Duh.

Q1 starts!

18:40 to go:  Fisichella out.  Rosberg out.  Buemi out.

BBC guys wax lyrical over Rosberg.  Seriously, guys?  Rosberg?!?!

Big deal over Mercedes engines in the Force India.

Fisi sets the first time–1:28.8.

15:43 to go: Rosberg sets a 1:27.8.  Quick.

Massa goes second.  Sutil goes QUICKER than Massa.

Gratuitous shot of Vitantonio Liuzzi looking ticked off.

14:10:  Rosberg has a “moment”.  Goes .75 seconds quicker.

Buemi goes to P2.

Nakajima: 1:26.7!

Quote from a chatroom: “NIPPON BANZAI”

Raikkonen to third after losing the 3rd practice and his qualifying simulation–well done Kimi!

12:00:  Kimi goes P1!  1:26.615!

Barrichello to P4.

Webber to P3 with a 1:26.7.

Alonso to P1–1:26.47.  Where did THAT come from?!?!?!

Massa all over–off the track and more.

Barrichello to P1–1:26.2.  Looking VERY smooth and fast.

9:30 to go.

Hamilton to P2–1:26.454!  Woooooow.

Button to P2–1:26.5.

Barrichello QUICKER–1:25.8.  Amazing.

Rosberg to P2.  Glock out and looking good.

7:40 to go.

Bourdais to P12–nice lap.

Massa is 17th, nowhere.

Heidfeld does a 1:26.7–good for 11th.

Piquet is 19th and absolutely screwed.

Quote from chat:  “Piquet needs to go to the toilet and remove the **** from the car”

Kubica 6th.  Massa on a hot lap with 4:20 to go.

Massa 2nd, 1:25.84.

Kimi going fast–two tenths quicker than Button at S2.

Kimi to P4 with a grass-mowing lap.

Trulli has a car problem and is stuck in last–can’t get out.  Huge blow considering they’ve been quick all weekend.

Local boy Webber is looking good for the top three, maybe even P1 with 1:30 to go.

P1–1:25.4!  Brilliant lap by Webber.  Hamilton to 10th.

Vettel to 6th.  Trulli is OUT.  Quali master at work.

Clock ends.

Buemi to 15th.  Kovalainen to 8th!

Fisi to 18th.

Alonso is 15th–he comes across the line….and sets a time good enough for NINTH.  Good job.

Kubica to 8th.

Buemi, Piquet, Fisi, Sutil, Bourdais are out.

Button to P1, 1:25.2, Barrichello to P1 with a 1:25.0!

P16: Buemi

P17: Piquet

P18: Fisichella

P19:  Sutil

P20:  Bourdais

Q2 will resume in five minutes.

Q2 is go!  Fifteen minute session to follow.

Kimi is first out with 13:50 to go.

Kimi begins his lap.

12:15 to go.

Kimi’s using a LOT of KERS–I really like the new graphic.

Some sort of news about Lewis according to the BBC guys.

Kimi goes 1st, 1:23.3.

10:45 to go.

LEWIS HAS A PROBLEM AND IS OUT!

Holy cow, this is unexpected–some sort of drivetrain issue.  Driveshaft, perhaps?

Glock to P1, 1:25.281.

9:20 to go.

Button to P1, 1:25.205.

8:55 to go.

Webber to P2 with a 1:25.241.

Vettel to P1!  1:25.121.

Rosberg to P2–1:25.123.

0.002 time difference–this is intense!

6:20 to go.

Heidfeld–P11.  Not good enough, dude!

Kubica to P3.  Excellent lap.

3:40 to go.

Kovalainen to P14.  Out for another lap–he’s gotta make this one count.

Button and Barrichello out for another hotlap each.

Massa is 8th and pushing hard.

Massa stays 8th.

Barrichello to P1, Button to P2.

Both in the 1:24s!!!!!!!

Heidfeld to tenth, Nakajima on a last ditch attempt.

He goes to 12th.  Not enough.

Trulli to 7th!

So, out:

11th:  Heidfeld

12th: Alonso

13th: Nakajima

14th: Kovalainen

15th:  Hamilton

And Q3 will return in another five minutes!  As the BBC feed completely dies and returns.

Q3 begins.

9:30 to go and nobody’s out.

Kimi is out, as is one of the Brawn cars.

Vettel being told that the Red Bull is understeery on heavy fuel.

Button on soft tires.  Smooth, seriously smooth.  We’ll have to see which Brawn is quicker.

7:20 to go.

6:40 to go–Button sets a 1:26.600.

Barrichello goes P2 with a 1:27.161.

Rosberg, 1:28.1.

Raikkonen to P4, behind all the other cars.

Trulli to P4, 1:28.464.

Massa 6th with a 1:29.

5:00 to go.

Kubica to P4. 1:27.9.

Webber to P3.

Vettel to P4.

Trulli stays 8th.

Kimi 9th, Massa 10th.

3:50 to go; Button and Barrichello in the garage.

EVERYBODY in the pits–one lap’s worth of time and we’ll know who’s on pole.

Webber and Vettel stack in the pits.  Traffic jam.

Button out.  Massa in; he was complaining of a puncture, but the team says the tires are fine.  Whiner.

Barrichello looking good for perhaps a pole.

.5 quickest in the first sector.

Good job in S2.

And comes across the line in….1:26.505.  Pole at the moment.

Glock comes across and….P3.  And immediately to P5.

Webber to 6th.  Button comes across…and….1:26.292!  POLE!

Vettel comes across in….1:26.83.  3rd.

Massa to P7.

Onboard with Button:  “YEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”  Careful Jense, don’t explode….that’d be messy inside the helmet…

Soooooo…..

P1. Button

P2. Barrichello

P3. Vettel

P4. Kubica

P5. Rosberg

P6. Glock

P7. Massa

P8. Trulli

P9. Raikkonen

P10. Webber(!)

So Brawn 1-2.  History in the making.  I’m going to head for bed(it’s 2:03 AM here) and will see you tomorrow for the race!

Ronspeak Translation of the week

March 16, 2009

Ron’s made some pretty interesting comments on McLaren’s testing pace.  I figured I’d translate it into English for you.

“It is certainly not as fast as we would like it to be, but it’s early days and we’ve still got quite a bit of testing to do and quite a bit of development to reflect through into our pace.”

Translation:  It’s slow, we don’t know why, and we’re going to need all the testing we can get to figure out why, much less actually fix the problem.

“At this time of the year all our testing is centred around optimising the car for the race. But the inevitable publicity that surrounds test performance sees some of the less experienced teams or some of the teams that are seeking money actually running their cars with the objective of doing one fast lap.  Of course, one fast lap is very important when it comes to qualifying but it is relatively unimportant when it comes to the race. And the disciplined teams are working hard on a sustainable pace.”

Translation:  Brawn cannot, POSSIBLY be that quick.  They’re quicker than my superteam.  We’re just saying we’re working with race fuel in an attempt to make ourselves look good.

“The performance of McLaren and its competitors isn’t really going to be known until probably two or three races into the season, even Australia isn’t going to be a strong indicator because of course everybody has got gremlins in their car.

“So really it is three or four races before you can really determine who is competitive and who is going to be fighting for the world championship.”

Translation:  We’re screwed.

“We had a strategy for this year to leave it to the last possible moment to produce our aerodynamic

package for the Australian Grand Prix. “That in itself gave us some production challenges and we have really only started to run the car in the last day with the Australian aero package. “We ran the 2008 rear wing because it was more relevant in its performance to the wing that we are going to have in Australia. It doesn’t mean you are lost or that you don’t know what you are doing.”

Translation:  We ARE lost but we don’t want our sponsors to know that.  We waited til the last minute because we wasted too much time and money getting a championship for Lewis and our performance this year will suffer.  Our new style rear wing doesn’t have enough downforce, so we used the old one until we had no choice.  We’re basically screwed.

McLaren probably IS screwed–now we just have to wait and see…

Ron Dennis retires

March 1, 2009

Well, Ron has officially handed over the reigns of McLaren to Martin Whitmarsh.  Here at Cutting Through the Ronspeak, we consider this to be a momentus occasion, as our site is named after Ron.  Therefore, we will now celebrate February 28th each year as “Ron Dennis Day.”

Hope you’re prepared for next year….

Niki Lauda, you’re my hero

February 3, 2009

Niki Lauda has come up with a new, and seriously amusing, metaphor for the new car designs.

Tractors, or to be more precise, combine harvesters.

I’d write a longer post, but is there really anything else to be said?

F1-Live

Where we are for 2009…

December 8, 2008

Well, here’s the list of confirmed drivers, and what we may expect from the rest; changes are in red.

Ferrari:  Kimi Raikkonen, Felipe Massa.  NO CHANGE

McLaren:  Lewis Hamilton, Heikki Kovalainen.  NO CHANGE

BMW-Sauber:  Nick Heidfeld, Robert Kubica.  NO CHANGE

Toyota:  Jarno Trulli, Timo Glock.  NO CHANGE

Renault:  Fernando Alonso, Nelson Piquet.  NO CHANGE

Red Bull:  Sebastian Vettel, Mark Webber.

Williams:  Nico Rosberg, Kazuki Nakajima.  NO CHANGE

Force India:  Giancarlo Fisichella, second driver to be decided

Toro Rosso:  None yet.

Honda:  Don’t know whether they’ll even be participating next year.

What ever happened to the Silly Season?!?!  This is all boring!

We need SUSPENSE!  We need unexpected driver changes!  We need Super Aguri!  We need…

ZSOLT BAUMGARTNER!